Resources for parents
Going away to college is an important step for parents and their student. For many students college is a time for newfound freedom, avenues for experimentation and new ways to develop their sense of self and responsibility. As students begin college parents will want to provide answers and support on difficult issues about college life.
One such issue is that of high-risk drinking on college campuses. Across the nation, high-risk drinking on college campuses is a pervasive problem. Drinking on campus is associated with students having fun and socializing. For many it is perceived as a rite of passage and an essential part of their newfound freedom. Yet, not only does misuse of alcohol interfere with the academic performance; it can also endanger the health and safety of students.
It is essential then that parents talk with their students as they prepare to leave for college about the potential danger of alcohol abuse. Below are some resources that will help them in their discussion on alcohol issues with their students.
What parents can do (from the PACE Web site)
Alcohol and Other Drug Prevention: The Parent Connection
A Guide for Parents of First-Year College Students (Acrobat file).
College Parents of America (requires membership to get some information).
Be Responsible About Drinking, Inc.
An anonymous college student at the University of Michigan, Ann Arbor, gives the following advice to parents of new students.
Tip #1 - Don't ask them if they're homesick.
The power of association can be a dangerous thing. (A friend once told me "the idea of
being homesick didn't even occur to me, what with all the new things that were going on,
until my mom called one of the first weekends and asked 'Are you homesick?' Then it hit
me.") The first few days/weeks of school are activity-packed and friend-jammed and the
challenge of meeting new people and adjusting to new situations takes a majority of a new
student's time and concentration. So unless they're reminded of it (by a well-meaning
parents), they'll probably be able to escape homesickness. And even if they don't tell you
during those first few weeks, they do miss you.
Tip #2 - Write. (Even if they don't write back.)
Although new college students are typically eager to experience all the away-from-home
independence they can in those first weeks, most are still anxious for family ties and the
security those ties bring. Most first-year students (although 99 won't ever admit it) would
give anything for some news of home and family, however mundane it may seem to you.
There's nothing more depressing than a week of empty mailboxes. However, don't expect a
reply to every letter you write or e-mail message you send, especially during times of
"academic overload" such as midterms and finals)
Tip #3 - Ask questions (but not too many).
Most first-year college students desire the security of knowing that someone from home is
still interested in them. Parental curiosity can be alienating or supportive depending on the
attitudes of the persons involved. Honest inquiries and other "between friends"
communication and discussion will do much to further the parent-student relationship.
Tip #4 - Don't worry (too much) about stressed-out phone calls or
letters.
Parenting can be a thankless job, especially during the college years. Often when troubles
become too much for a first-year student to handle (a flunked test, ended relationship, and
shrunken T-shirt all in one day), the only place to turn, write, or dial is home. Often,
unfortunately, this is the only time that the urge to communicate is felt so strongly, so you
never get to hear about the "A" paper, the new friend, or the domestic triumph. In these
"crisis" times, your student can unload trouble or tears and, after the catharsis, return to
routine, relieved and lightened, while you inherit the burden of worry.
Be patient with those nothing-is-going-right-I-hate-this-place phone calls or letters. You're providing a real service as an advice dispenser, sympathetic ear, or punching bag. Granted, it's a service that makes you feel lousy, but it works wonders for a frustrated student.
Tip #5 - Visit. (But not too often.)
Visits by parents (especially when accompanies by shopping sprees and/or dinners out) are
another part of the first year events that new students are reluctant to admit liking, but
appreciate greatly. Pretended disdain of those visits is just another part of the first-year
syndrome. These visits give the student a chance to introduce some of the important people
in both of his/her now-important worlds (home and school) to each other. Additionally, it's a
way for parents to become familiar with their student's new activities, commitments, and
friends.
Spur-of-moment "surprises" are usually not appreciated. It's usually best to wait for Parents' Weekend or another prearranged weekend to see your student and the school; that way you may even get to see a clean room.
Tip #6 - Do not tell your student that "These are the best years of your life."
The first year of college can be full of indecision, insecurities, disappointments, and most of
all, mistakes. It's also full of discovery, inspiration, good times, and exciting people.
It took a while (and the help of some good friends) for me to realize that I was normal and that my afternoon movie/paperback novel perceptions of what college was all about were inaccurate. It took a while for me to accept that being afraid, confused, overwhelmed, and making mistakes were all part of growing up. Those parents who accept and understand the highs and lows of their student's development are providing the support and encouragement where it's needed most.
Tip #7 - Trust them.
Finding oneself is a difficult enough process without feeling that the people whose opinions
you respect most are second-guessing your own second-guessing.
One of the most important things my mom ever wrote me in my four years at college was this: "I love you and want for you all the things that make you the happiest; and I guess you, not I, are the one who knows best what those things are." She wrote that during my senior year. I'm sure that it would mean as much to your student now as it did to me then.